I sit alone in the blackened pit of despair,
Void of joy,
Void of peace and
Filled with inexpressible pain.
I cry out to God for relief,
But relief doesn’t come.
And I feel abandoned, even by God.
Daily I am bathed by angels of deathâ€•
Saturated with tainted & bitter water.
My soul is in decay.
I bury my face in my hands.
Fear and shame are my constant companions.
Time & experience have unveiled an awful truth:
The rot of depression possesses my soul,
Only suffering thrives.
Why seek pleasures that can’t be found?
My tongue no longer delights in taste.
My mouth has become as lifeless as a grave.
The fruit of life has lost its delight.
I seek to relieve my anguish through sleep.
But sleep barely assuages this living nightmare.
Its relief is snatched away before I can grasp it.
Morning dawns like a prophet of unremitting suffering.
Anguish rises each day as surely as the sun.
My counselor tells me about the healing LIGHT.
He speaks to me of faith in God.
I try to believe,
But my prayers seem wasted,
And weeks of pleading turn into months of failing hope.
“What is THE LIGHT?” I ask with feeble hope.
I hear no answer;
The swelling of my anxiety drowns out the human voice,
And my mind wanders
Aimlessly in my hollow chamber of misery.
“Open the windows of faith,” my counselor advises.
“Here is the door,” he pleads, “walk this way and find life!”
My agony is unrelieved by his counsel.
The torment is unyielding:
Does he not know this cavern has no windows?
Can he not see that there are no walls or doors in this place?
Can he not see that all is hopeless?
Why hope in hope when this seducer stabs me in the heart?
Hope’s endless betrayal leaves me even more destitute.
I rise up in hope,
Only to crash and have my heart trampled again and again.
Hope has worn me out.
Weariness has taken its toll;
Distress is cumulative over the months,
And swells over the years.
This cold demon-shadow has grown more intolerable.
I can’t endure it much longer.
Death’s hideous face is nearly in view.
I stretch out my hand to grasp death’s hand.
Not that I seek death itself;
I only seek relief from the savagery that rages within my soul.
I need relief.
I need it now.
Wait…perhaps I’ll wait just one more day.
Another day dawns.
I am surrounded by relentless accusers.
Rejection from within and rejection from without.
I have no face in the public streets.
My eyes can only look downward
Where the howling tribunal of my mind,
Barrages my soul with bullets of condemnation.
I’m weak and nearly defeated.
The world is a cruel place.
I hear the whispered, yet piercing insinuations of others:
“Unworthy! Worthless! Loathsome!”
Is there no escape or place to hide?
I need mercy; simple mercy would be enough.
Where has mercy hidden herself?
Who can love someone like me?
Who will take pity on my wretched soul?
Who will siphon the toxic shame from my loins?
Surely I have reached the end of my journey;
I can’t go on any further…not like this.
I poured out my heart in yet another earnest prayer:
“Have mercy on me, O God,
Redeem my soul from this place of torment!”
Then I heard a voice of grace:
“[God] pardons all your iniquities…
Heals all your diseases…
[He] redeems your life from the pit…” (See: Ps. 103)
Suddenly, I was seeing something I hadn’t seen before.
Look… there is a window!
The living LIGHT is piercing the darkness!
I can feel the touch of…yes… His hand!
…And so it was that Hope came and walked beside me.
Our journey continues.
Hope Calls ©2012
Barb Carlson delivers help and hope to wounded souls at Good News Community Health Center in Portland, Oregon. No stranger to major depression, she provides professional care for patients with mental health disorders.
I sit alone in the blackened pit of despair, Void of joy, Void of peace and Filled with inexpressible pain. I cry out to God for relief, But relief doesn’t come. And I feel abandoned, even by God.